Being able to go "home" was always my safety net. My back-up plan. My security blanket.
Getting married to a non-Canadian citizen changes that. Living in a different country changes that. COVID-19 changes that.
The borders of Canada are currently closed to all non-essential travel from the United States, which means I am unsure when I will be able to see my family again, at a time when I long to see them most (and I'm sure that many who are currently separated from those they love can relate). I have not been "home" (meaning the home where I grew up) in almost a year, and my heart aches to be back, especially during such a scary and uncertain time.
People here love to tease me about being Canadian. In reality, I never felt like I truly belonged in either country--Canada, or the US. When I was in Canada, I was known as the American. When I am in America, I am known as the Canadian. It's confusing to not know where you are from.
Perhaps that is why in recent weeks I have latched on to my Canadian childhood more than before. I long to be back amidst the safety of family, surrounded by the familiar, and a *slightly* more moderate political climate.
I want to be back on the shores of Lake Ontario, looking out over the stinky waters of Frenchman's Bay, and shooing away those annoying gnats that come out every May.
I want to walk through my old neighborhood and wave to my friends and walk my dog and see the empty Durham Transit buses go by.
I want to swing by Lucky Twin Rivers Variety and pick up 3 litres of bagged skim milk and bike back home.
I want to walk through the Rouge Valley, and run down (NOT up) the old ski hill, and look for rose-breasted grosbeaks and chestnut-sided warblers in the trees.
I want to catch crayfish with my dad, only to set them all free, like we did when everything about the natural world fascinated me.
I want to ride the GO Train into Toronto for ballet class one more time. I miss the dance culture and family of the city, the open classes and drop-in studios and friendly people. I miss the Four Seasons Centre and $12 standing room tickets and insider knowledge.
I miss the way the Redpath Sugar Factory made Lakeshore smell like cookies on summer evenings, and the streetcars that clang up and down Queens Quay, and avoiding walking in the bike lane so I don't get yelled at. I miss singing the soundtrack to West Side Story while walking down the street and eating up time in between dance classes and visits to Second Cup for Italian sodas.
I want to use the words "toonie" and "loonie" and not be looked at strangely.
I want to be back in the home I grew up to watch my serviceberry tree bloom in June.
Maybe I feel stuck here, and that is why I miss all these things. Maybe I am nostalgic because the seasons are changing and everything is changing and nothing is the same.
I have yet to find a cure for homesickness...and it's been six years. My previous solution was a quick jet home for a couple weeks of glorious Ontario summer, and then back to reality.
Maybe it never really goes away--I'm sure a part of us will always long for what we once had. We are creatures of discontent--we seem to want whatever is out of reach.
Maybe my next post will be about all the things I love about where I am now--and there are many things!--but I felt I needed a minute to reminisce on what once was.
Thank you for reading, and for your compassion. Are you struggling with feelings of homesickness? Leave a comment and let me know.
xx
(all pictures by me, circa 2016)