10 Things I Learned In My First Year of Marriage

This week, my husband I and celebrated our first anniversary!

I feel blessed that I've had his support through all of the ups and downs, especially this past year. It was not, however, easy the whole way through! Heading straight into the pandemic & quarantine restrictions as newlyweds definitely had its challenges. I feel that because of those circumstances, we've learned a lot about marriage, and each other, in a relatively short amount of time. Thankfully, despite the many challenges this year for our family and our world, we were able to enjoy many sweet moments together that I'll look back on and cherish.

Before getting married, we were getting advice from a lot of people. Some of it was helpful--some of it, not so much--and some lessons we had to learn through experience. Every relationship is different, so some of the lessons that I learned might not apply to you--however, these are some things I would go back and tell myself before I got married. Do you agree? Leave a comment! Here are 10 things I learned in my first year of marriage:

1.What you learn in pre-marital counseling is important.

If I could tell every engaged couple to seek pre-marital counseling, I would. Looking back, I wish we would have been to even more sessions. While it's true that some things you can only learn through experience, counseling provides you and your spouse-to-be with important tools to grapple with issues that may arise in the future. Pre-marital counseling also gives you and your fiancé a chance to work through difficulties & communication issues before they become a bigger problem. One goal my husband and I have for our next year of marriage is to seek out a Christian marriage counselor, and build an even stronger foundation with one another in order to be equipped to handle future challenges.

2. It won't always feel perfect--and that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

There were times when I looked around and saw all the things that were wrong with our marriage. It felt as though we were failing at this mission we had been called to. If our first year of marriage already held all of these difficulties, what was in store for us in 10, 20, 30 years?!

As a life-long perfectionist, I've struggled with giving up when things get difficult. This year, I had to learn to keep going through the tough conversations, the difficult days, and the weeks when I wondered if I had done the right thing. Comparing myself to "perfect" relationships around me didn't help--in fact, that was a fast road to unhappiness. Sometimes the first year of marriage is easy, sometimes the first year of marriage is hard. Over the past year, God taught me so much about His grace and kindness through the steadfast love of my husband. We do not need to be perfect to earn love, and that is one of the most beautiful things I've learned this year.

3. The sharing of household tasks & responsibilities is not always 50/50, but a balance, and an opportunity to serve one another.

I went into marriage with this loose idea in my head that responsibilities would be split 50/50. Having lived with roommates for 7 years, I became accustomed to a certain way of doing things, and especially the assignment of household tasks.

There is so much give and take in a marriage, and not keeping score is part of loving your partner. The more I focused on ways I could serve and love my spouse, the less bitter I felt when things were uneven.

And, truth be told, I am not the one doing the majority of the household chores. I get home late in the evening & often work weekends, and my husband stepped in to take care of the things I no longer have time for. It's a much more balanced and relaxed exchange, and the more we focus on serving, the easier things are.

4. Communication is key.

That's about it. I went into marriage assuming we had communication down. One thing I've learned is that there's always more to learn! If you're looking for a good resource, The Gottman Institute has loads of helpful tips and infographics on their Instagram.

5. Having an older married couple as mentors is important.

My husband and I have been so grateful to have married couples in our lives to look up to. I believe having friends in all stages of life is important, but having someone older and/or wiser to speak into your life is such a blessing. Mentors can give advice, lend a listening ear, and help you work through issues they themselves have dealt with before.

6. Living together will be an adjustment.

I'm very glad I lived with roommates before getting married. It taught me to adjust to different living styles, expectations, and ways of doing things. My husband and I waited till marriage to move in together, and just like a new roommate, there was an adjustment period. Despite having known each other for two years prior, there were still things we learned about one another when we moved in.

7. Combining bank accounts takes more trust than I had realized!

Some couples choose to keep separate accounts, and some couples choose to combine everything into one "pot". My income fluctuates month-to-month, so setting a budget for the two of us was difficult. I ended up keeping my own bank account in addition to our joint account, and only recently transferred my last direct deposit over to our joint account. For us, I felt that it built better trust and communication to have all of our income going into one place (though I still have my credit cards and accounts open from before). Side-note--if you're doing so, remember to change your name on all of your accounts!

8. Marriage is such a tangible illustration of God's relationship with us.

I learned so much about grace, forgiveness, and steadfast love this past year. Marriage is not the only way that God teaches us about Himself, but it is one of the biggest ways He chose to teach me this year. A Christian marriage is a beautiful example of God's faithfulness and commitment to His people. You really do have someone who is going to always be there for you.

9. Be intentional about dates, and what counts as a date.

Maybe this is especially applicable to us because of quarantine, but figuring out what counted as quality time was a big discussion for my husband and I this year. We were together a lot, and it became very easy to push dates to the sidelines. We ended up choosing one night a week to set aside as "date night" where we would specifically spend time together talking and doing something we enjoy. As restrictions tightened again in the fall and schedules became busy, date nights slipped to the wayside. However, we learned that when we intentionally set aside time for one another, our relationship grows.

10. Some people will act like your fun is now over. That's only true if you believe it!

I heard from a lot of people that getting married young was a bad idea. "Why waste your twenties? Your twenties are for having fun!"

Yes, I now have someone else in my life to worry about. My life might carry a little more responsibility now. But at least for my husband and I, marriage opened the door to so many exciting opportunities! We've been able to travel, see friends, and host parties together that have been so much fun. We didn't cut our old friends out of our life; we've made a conscious effort to keep up our friendships. Allowing each other time and space to do things we enjoy helps to keep all of our relationships healthy.

Your fun is not over when you get married. Invest in your spouse and your friendships!

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All pictures by Emily Elizabeth Photos